It was already been a couple of months since I had this constant pain in my back which doesn't go away but I never let it bother me until there was this excruciating pain near my shoulder blades. Its like I was hit by a lighting. So I thought I could spend a few hours in a hospital and pay my doctor a visit on my way to grad school. Anyway, this is something I am sure I don't need to worry about. So there I was with my husband anticipating but not worried.
My doctor's (gynecologist) first initial was that we could be pregnant. something we were hoping for and the thought of it made us excited. oh well if we were.... my husband and I were really pretty good hiding our excitement... we don't want to hope. We have been trying but we learn that the best thing to do was never to expect anything... especially something that we can't control...or be disappointed. So like quiet little minnions we followed the doc to the ultrasound room with a tiny sprinkle of hope in our hearts. We could be having a baby ;)
But you know that long sigh from the doctor that gives them away. That unspoken sorry. The minute that followed was spent detailing why it wasn't the expected little heartbeat we see. My uterus was larger than the average abnormal size. It was so large it made me look like I was 5 months pregnant. So we started to talk procedure and opted for a papsmear. The doc found a polyp on my cervix and had it removed for biopsy then adviced us to come back for the result after a week. And so we did. Turns out I have a tumour in my uterus and was adviced to undergo some kind of a cutterage. So I decided to have it an hour later thinking I could get this over with and get on with what I am suppose to do. I did an out-patient surgery and after two hours I was rushing out the recovery room. I have no time to rest... so I thought.
However, I was again rush to the emergency room few hours after I left the hospital. I couldn't void ( or shall I say the girl can't pee) and it's the most annoying thing ever. So I spent 2 days in the hospital instead having my bladder "cath" out every couple of hours until the doc decided to have it fully attached. Then it started to bother me. The doctors were telling me there was nothing wrong with me that i should be voiding the minute I came out of surgery. But still it took so much effort to do it. So, after being prescribed and drugged with a couple of muscle relaxants and some sleep aid pills ;) I finally fell asleep and stopped annoying my doctors. Then I left the hospital bed went home and waited for the biopsy.
I kept myself busy days before my docs appointment. I was trying to take my mind off the "what ifs" and told myself it was just a tiny little tumour and the docs going to get rid of it. And the fact that he canceled the next appointment to the weekend didn't bother me at all.
So, I was again back at the hospital, told my husband to park the car, and take care of the doc myself.
And there I was at the docs office looking at a piece of print out. Then it suddenly came to me. I have cancer... it felt surreal... I have an abnormal thickening of the womb. Endometrial Cancer. I didn't even realized husband was already standing behing me squeezing my shoulders. I couldn't even cry... well, in all honesty I didn't even cry about my cancer. I didn't let it break me. But I cried because I know it is going to hurt the people I love. And seeing them hurt makes me sad.
But I was determined to fight it. I have to take control. I'm not going to let cancer use my body to hurt me and hurt the people I love. So, the longest battle I have ever been started. Now I am on to my last chemo. Everyday I keep telling myself that this is up to me. That I can fight to my last breath. Even when those times my body seemed to give up, my spirit lingers to the sunrise... this is just one day...tomorrow is going to be a better day. The pain is too much to bear, but I am still thankful that I am given the chance to be brave. Till next time...and remember, "hope is a waking dream." xoxo
