shannellee

I was letting go of a thing few days ago and realized... if that thing happened to be of such value, then it would be really difficult to trash it out eyh? But life is such. It is so much easier to let go of things we don't really value and hold on to something we cherish the most. Like those that we spent so much of our time, effort and money, and most of those that touch our hearts deeply. So how do we really value things? or is there really value on such things? I have often ask myself lately on what is important to me now. What is it that gives me joy and what is it that I would treasure the most. I am not talking about life here, for obviously, it ranks the most important to all of us. So what is it that defines me now. Is it a sense of purpose? to answer a calling to an ultimate need? to consume myself to human activism? to embrace an eminent responsibility? to console humanity? or to sit back watch the world go by, give a sigh of relief and let things be. How much do we give value to living? or are we too consume with all the "this is what its suppose to be" that we forget what is important. That with all the generalities in life we put everything in one tag and seek for more. How many more "valuable" things we need to have to be able to find our sense of self. 

Probably one of the greatest challenge for me and my journey to minimalism is how to really identify what I need, what is important and what should be cherished. I have heard and read so many claims about finding self worth through wanting less but is it really that easy? or is it just a trend? I have realized that this is more than just decluttering the trash you have been keeping your whole life. It is accepting what you are going to be with far far less than what the world owns. And then be happy of the choice you make without rationalizations and fancy/trendy definitions. Without being so self upholding and accepting that others have different choices than yours. So this is where I lay my thoughts to rest. To realized that what I value the most would certainly defines how I see myself regardless of not wanting more. So would I sit back and watch the world go by? definitely not perhaps... but I will find value in the most simple things I can do, the most simple things I can find and be happy on the thought that I can see in myself the change I wish to see even if it doesn't make any difference to the world. Have a wonderful week ahead wonderful people.

Hey guys, I came up with my very own Hotte Garlic Tofu. It taste really good (according to husband) and I am so proud of it. It goes perfectly well with salad or some rice. 

What you need is some tofu. I got mine from Tesco. Some fresh and dried chile and a lot of garlic.

I also added some spices (not totally organic) but this is what I can have for now. So, I needed some black pepper, parsley, cayenne pepper and soysauce. 

Then of course I added some honey and apple cider vinegar.

Then sprinkled it with sesame love ;)

I have been randomly posting stuffs lately I know. But there seems to be so much going on...er not going on and right now I feel like I can just write whatever I find myself musing about. I have so far develop so many interest totally different from what I used to love. Not that I don't love the things I used to do before... I just find it so amusing to drift to a different area I never see myself doing. And yes, there's cooking. I know I am a bad cook but since I needed to make my food to stay focus on my vegan/vegetarian journey, I turned over some pots and started boiling ;) So here's one I made myself and of course specially proud of. My Tofu Spinach Pasta

We finally arrived to the Land of Smiles. And although it is such non-explainable mix of emotions, realizing that I will, after a long while, will be (somehow) on my own. I am on my way to a normal life or will it be normal again? Well, I may not often show it but I fear for the future sometimes. I fear that fear will consume me and will take most of my dreams. I haven't let myself become sad yet and my hope is that I will never be. 

So here I am very very anxious... and yes, being sick has changed me but I am still my own person I guess. The moment I step into my abyss, I was all of a sudden struck with too much adrenaline that I needed to contain myself. Not to mention that the house I left six months ago needed some serious cleaning... really, husband? oh well with all my love and understanding, it wasn't so easy being alone either while wife is away getting herself healthy again. No pressure then my love... a messy house is just a house, but I am home baby ;)

Well okay, how is it being back? well, aside from the fact that we are still looking for an oncologist who can replaced the wonderful doc I left in the Philippines, I still do have to battle the thought that I am not yet hundred percent well and it's still been six months and I need to slow down. What I had was not just any flu...so I needed to contain myself and stop rushing. And there's the fun of exploring through a good healthy lifestyle... yes, yes, I still do sneak out some polvoron (sweets we got from the philippines) but I am proud of myself for staying away from any meat for a while now so yey! for self control! But still mom needs to remind me to watch my diet and don't "eat too much"... I just got back from cancer, not fat camp so eating too much is a bonus. I love you mom. I know you wish the best of health for me. And again, I thanks you and dad for being there for me and my sweet parents in law. Your love and support come pouring like an April rain that never stops. I love you!

So, how did I survive it? well, I am aware that cancer can have different effect on different people. But this is how I become to managed it anyway. First, I never ever deprived myself of food. Never. You see when you have to go through chemo, the dr. will make sure that all the blood lab results to normal as much as possible like your hemoglobin, platelets, weight, etc. or else chemo will be cancel ed and postponed till lab test shows what is appropriate. So eating as much as I can and getting a lot of sleep really helps me maintain all the blood work and was never ever late for chemo. I have a very good relationship with food and I am thankful that it never changed after all. I still was able to eat "a little bit" what the dr. said, of ice cream, cheese, chocolates and of course I snack on lots and lots of fruits and veggies.  Second, I only listened to my Doctor. I know there's a lot of wonderful and kind intentions but after all it is the doctor that knows about your illness. So I make sure I listen and don't get mixed up with all the "anti cancer fad". But like I said, to each his own. Whatever works best is just as great. It's your body, listen to it.

Then I enjoyed my time doing things I find interesting. I learned some new hobbies and most of all I learned how to cook and I am very excited and challenged to finally embrace my way in the kitchen.

I know, I know it's not that fancy of putting together my food but at least there's some effort in it ;) Well, excuse my random thoughts for now but I sure needed to start writing somehow. Till next time my beauties!

Hey beauties! how's everything going in your side of the universe? I hope you guys are carrying on and still hopping like excited little bunnies because... c'mon its friday! and time to partehy!

Well, I was at the doctor yesterday and I am very happy that everything is going well for now and that there is nothing to worry about except well... I have again gained 2 kilos more of weight which the doctor, with all her enthusiasm combined, explained that it's a good thing and it only means my body is getting back to its normal function. So, yey! 

Honestly, I don't feel like anything except that weird feeling that I only had a flu and now I am getting rid of it. Might be defense mechanism kicking in but often times I'd like to think that cancer was just a very very bad flu gone ballistic. So, despite the fact that I am now a certified survivor and had to eat 5 combination of meds for breakfast, I am very thrilled to call myself a bionic woman (barf) LOL! believe me I had to look like Gullum one time and it was a not a common sight my precious. Now, I am totally rocking the bunny hunter Mr. Elmer Fudd look...and yes I can pass for a Missus. If only I am not already married to a gorgeous man...peace sweetie :)

So anyway, like I said, I was at the doctor yesterday for my 21 days follow up check up after my last chemo. And you see, I was actually pretty worried... like I don't know... maybe worried that the big old scary Mr. Cancer might come back unexpected again... So, I thought I might as well get that anti cervical cancer vaccine just to make sure. And so there I was smiling at the doctor excited for no reason (it's just me ...and probably my crazy cancer head)... and in my high pitch excited voice I burst in and ask the doctor..."oh can I get the anti cervical cancer vaccine dr.? and then she was like..."oh but honey, you don't have a cervix. all you've got is your VJay and nothing more." and I was like "great! that means I don't need to get the vaccine anymore." LOL! the dr. indeed had *taketh and what am I to do?

Then I thought, there goes my womanhood...flushed down the drain and why am I smiling? I guess because I realized that everything turns out the total opposite of what "every woman should be". I cannot be a mother, I have a michilin neck and I can't even blow dry my hair, curl my lashes and my eyebrows? honey, it disappears before you can even blink. Thanks to the non-cancer friendly eyebrow liner or haven't they ever invented one already? oh well, I have become by far the epitome of imperfections. And I'm okay ;) because after wiping off the amazing tricks of makeup, it is still the person sitting in front of the mirror that you still love. The you no one may know, the you who have smile through every struggle. And because you know that behind those scars and bulges there is a brave person staring back at you... then you smile.

Well, of course you don't have to be something else or to be struggling or to necessarily have cancer (heaven forbid) to be brave and be strong and be bold. You can be just the way you are. Like they said, "you are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful." Till next time... and oh I might be coming up with some reviews and some "how to" tips soon. So, please stay tune for it. Have a wonderful day beautiful people.

Hey my beauties! it feels wonderful to be back again. It's been a few couple of happy days after my last chemo and I am very glad I get to see 2015 in such an amazing way. Well, it may be quite normal... er common to come out with a few new years resolution for this year... like I used to... but this time... I don't even know if I have a resolution. I am just too happy I get the chance to see another year pass through my very eyes and I am more than happy to just take a curious glance to more wonderful things and hop right to it. 

I am well now... kinda :) and yes, I could have blog about my journey but I just decided to sit back for a while take time to rest and focus on becoming healthy again and no... I don't think cancer all the time. As much as it is as scary as the joker's smile I am not intimidated by it. And well, in as much as I don't want to sound arrogant, I am stronger than what it is. So instead I get to do things I never get to do before. Like I learn how to cook, crochet and read tons of novels which took a lot of my time and of course spend wonderful time with my cousins, my siblings and people I love :)

And yes, this is indeed another chapter of my life. I've past through another tunnel. The journey wasn't all that tough but I had times when I get to pause for a while and wonder if there will ever be a light at the end of it. Then I look back and realized I have come this far and I am going anyway. So, how did I cope with my cancer? you ask. Well a lot of courage I guess. And yes there were times I had to struggle alone. There are times when you wonder and realized... no one really understands what you are going through.  And yes, surviving through an illness doesn't just mean you have to go through the pain of being poked and poked with gazillion of needles a million times but its the thought that came a long with it. Like you wonder if the universe is punishing you...and you look back again, your life flashing through in front of you and you wonder... have I consumed so much water more than I needed to? have I used up so many toilet paper? have I been so unkind to people? to creatures ( I don't eat anymore)...or have I been so greedy, selfish, self absorbed, ungrateful or perhaps its the lack of faith... and that I have been punish a hundred blows. Do I deserve all this? Then I realized cancer is not sentence... a death sentence for perhaps any wrong done. And sadly, the fact that people discriminate... cancer doesn't. It happens to people young and old, rich or poor, regardless of whatever faith and race. And NO, cancer is not a punishment but rather an opportunity to be brave, to be more compassionate, to be kind and tolerant and above all  to have faith that whatever happens I can get through all it because I am stronger.

Now I am very very excited to come back. There are so many things to do and projects waiting to be done. The universe will not wait for me and like most of us... "surviving cancer is not going to be our only accomplishment" there is something more... and that is the faith that what is ahead may be uncertain, but we face it with boldness in our hearts that everyday is the matter that counts.

Hey guys! I am back!... okay not that back but I am slowly getting there. Been a while since I've been in a hiatus. Chemo gets on the way of blogging and although I am perfectly fine most days, I have solely dedicated my time sleeping and enjoying not doing anything but to make myself strong, healthy and happy. Nothing of that much really happen the past few months. Except for my trips to the hospital and the forbidden trips to the malls the market and what nots... I am basically just sitting around enjoying the view from my window and tons of books to read. Yes, I have finally get the wish of my life... to read as much as I want. Okay not after my bed time tho. Apparently,  we chemo chicks do need a lot of sleeping time. and that's super fantastic too. Yey! for beauty sleep :)

Aside from my super bare head look. I can say there has been a lot of changes in my life which came about after some time of struggling to stay over water and kicking cancer hard on the balls. I have become aware of the NOW and somehow unconsciously leave tomorrow as it is. My mantra is to make today as worthwhile as it is and be thankful for what comes along. I have also made a 90 degrees turn on my lifestyle. I have turn into a vegan. Like I used to say, since I got sick I no longer bare to have anyone not even animals subject to death... I couldn't even swat an insect. Not after I realized how precious a life is. So I made some choices and I am happy. And please don't get me wrong I am not here to preach about... to each his own like they say. But I guess I will be gearing more towards the lifestyle I am choosing to live and yup that means I might be doing some copy-cat "cooking rituals" and food prep options from the likes of Laura Vitale Although she doesn't cook mostly vegan. But she does have a lot of vegan choices on her channel. And of course Kristine of Fully Raw and few others.

I may also make a few shift on my beauty and health choices and... ohh well it might just be the chemo thing but I may have gone a little nuts and have become a little organic fanatic... but hey it's the sick chick talking so please please please no raise eyebrows please. Well, I do however try my best to come up with really really relevant things to keep this blog going. Well... might also be talking about hats and being bald and my interest on trying crocheting and sewing and things I got in my bucket list... we'll see... and I hope you stay tune for it.

Well, I guess I will be coming back for more of my day to day updates. But for now I need to sleep and since the doc had to add few more rounds of chemo instead. So I needed to keep resting to recharge. So till then my beaugorgeous! And remember "life is a waking dream."

    

It was already been a couple of months since I had this constant pain in my back which doesn't go away but I never let it bother me until there was this excruciating pain near my shoulder blades. Its like I was hit by a lighting. So I thought I could spend a few hours in a hospital and pay my doctor a visit on my way to grad school. Anyway, this is something I am sure I don't need to worry about. So there I was with my husband anticipating but not worried. 

My doctor's (gynecologist) first initial was that we could be pregnant.  something we were hoping for and the thought of it made us excited. oh well if we were.... my husband and I were really pretty good hiding our excitement... we don't want to hope. We have been trying but we learn that the best thing to do was never to expect anything... especially something that we can't control...or be disappointed. So like quiet little minnions we followed the doc to the ultrasound room with a tiny sprinkle of hope in our hearts. We could be having a baby ;)

But you know that long sigh from the doctor that gives them away. That unspoken sorry. The minute that followed was spent detailing why it wasn't the expected little heartbeat we see. My uterus was larger than the average abnormal size. It was so large it made me look like I was 5 months pregnant. So we started to talk procedure and opted for a papsmear. The doc found a polyp on my cervix and had it removed for biopsy then adviced us to come back for the result after a week. And so we did. Turns out I have a tumour in my uterus and was adviced to undergo some kind of a cutterage. So I decided to have it an hour later thinking I could get this over with and get on with what I am suppose to do. I did an out-patient surgery and after two hours I was rushing out the recovery room. I have no time to rest... so I thought. 

However, I was again rush to the emergency room few hours after I left the hospital. I couldn't void ( or shall I say the girl can't pee) and it's the most annoying thing ever. So I spent 2 days in the hospital instead having my bladder "cath" out every couple of hours until the doc decided to have it fully attached. Then it started to bother me. The doctors were telling me there was nothing wrong with me that i should be voiding the minute I came out of surgery. But still it took so much effort to do it. So, after being prescribed and drugged with a couple of muscle relaxants and some sleep aid pills ;) I finally fell asleep and stopped annoying my doctors. Then I left the hospital bed went home and waited for the biopsy.

I kept myself busy days before my docs appointment. I was trying to take my mind off the "what ifs" and told myself it was just a tiny little tumour and the docs going to get rid of it. And the fact that he canceled the next appointment to the weekend didn't bother me at all.

So, I was again back at the hospital, told my husband to park the car, and take care of the doc myself. 

And there I was at the docs office looking at a piece of print out. Then it suddenly came to me. I have cancer... it felt surreal... I have an abnormal thickening of the womb. Endometrial Cancer. I didn't even realized husband was already standing behing me squeezing my shoulders. I couldn't even cry... well, in all honesty I didn't even cry about my cancer. I didn't let it break me. But I cried because I know it is going to hurt the people I love. And seeing them hurt makes me sad. 

But I was determined to fight it. I have to take control. I'm not going to let cancer use my body to hurt me and hurt the people I love. So, the longest battle I have ever been started. Now I am on to my last chemo. Everyday I keep telling myself that this is up to me. That I can fight to my last breath. Even when those times my body seemed to give up, my spirit lingers to the sunrise... this is just one day...tomorrow is going to be a better day. The pain is too much to bear, but I am still thankful that I am given the chance to be brave. Till next time...and remember, "hope is a waking dream." xoxo

anyways... with all honesty, being sick is hard... there is so much to endure... but after all the down lows there is hope... and besides it will never really weight you down because you learn that whatever things you come across in life... there are wonderful people who stands by you, grab your arm and never let go... i found courage in the support of my family and friends across the world who drops by, say hi and spends a laugh or two just to remind you that there is more to life than what it is now. 

well... i wanted to write more but apparently i need to sleep... 

                                                       ...... off to my first chemo session

                                                        .... first night... feelin' fabulous