shannellee

I have finally come to the moment when I finally decided to come out with my cancer story. I have been casually blogging and vlogging about it but I didn't really come to the terms of finally putting it together in one single post. It's been a year now since I was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer stage II. I was preliminary diagnosed with stage III. So, I had to do 6 cycles of chemotherapy and 3 rounds of brachytherapy. But they have to take out my uterus and my ovaries eventually. Well, to be honest when we went to see my doctor we were expecting a pregnant diagnosis. I was very positive I was pregnant since all the symptoms were there. But it turns out differently. So, my journey begins. Here, I have put together what was going through my head as I deal with the diagnosis..... ( and excuse the "brain farts" I was typing and posting through my phone in real time, so I didn't bother to edit any of it 

I have finally come to the moment when I finally decided to come out with my cancer story. I have been casually blogging and vlogging about it but I didn't really come to the terms of finally putting it together in one single post. It's been a year now since I was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer stage II. I was preliminary diagnosed with stage III. So, I had to do 6 cycles of chemotherapy and 3 rounds of brachytherapy. But they have to take out my uterus and my ovaries eventually. Well, to be honest when we went to see my doctor we were expecting a pregnant diagnosis. I was very positive I was pregnant since all the symptoms were there. But it turns out differently. So, my journey begins. Here, I have put together what was going through my head as I deal with the diagnosis..... ( and excuse the "brain farts" I was typing and posting through my phone in real time, so I didn't bother to edit any of it 

I have been really busy these past few days and although it felt really good to be doing something a little productive, sometimes adrenaline and emotions just fills you up and to be honest some other days when you least expected it, the low swing catches you just like that and suddenly there is that surge of so many emotions you don't even know exist. You feel happy, you feel tired, you feel sad, anxious, overwhelmed all at the same time .... the whole menopause package . And although I have given quite a bit of my time scanning textbooks about it, I realized you can never be prepared when it comes. So now I just like to think of it like a secret affair... you don't really want it but it sure is hard to break free away from it. LOL!

So it seems like this menopause thing at 35 is my greatest forbidden love affair and its all right there out in the open. Okay, when my doctor told me that I may have to deal with menopause, I didn't think it was something serious. I mean all women goes through it... at least we all have to once in our lifetime. But at 35? such is a different story honey... the food cravings can be tolerated but the "moodcoaster" is something you can never dream of. Well, I'd definitely knew when it comes but sometimes I just can't control it anymore... and it turns me into a Gollum... yup menopause is THAT RING my precious... and suddenly you are not that cute anymore...you will somehow began to love and hate yourself. But there is no running away from menopause. And the sad thing is, the only drug that would somehow help me get through it is the one which caused my cancer... so I guess I am left alone... so here's how I manage it (besides having a very patient and understanding husband)

#1 I let myself just feel the emotions. I make sure that I talk about it with my husband and make him understand that although it may seem like he has something or other people has something to do with it, it is not. It is just the chemical imbalance playing in my head. So I created a "warning call" and whenever I call it out, husband gives me space to "clear my head" and let me just have mE time for myself.

#2 I look for behavior patterns - Knowing yourself is the key to minimize "emotional damage" while going through menopause. I noticed that whenever I am tired and overworked, it is when my mood starts to hit bottom. So before that happens, if I can prevent it, I stop myself from whatever I am thinking or doing and divert myself to things which calms me. Like crochet, reading a book, blogging, playing with my dog, or go out on an evening walk with my Ryan. And silence calms me a lot. So, I just learn to let go for a while of whatever is making me stress and give myself a break. If there is one thing I learn from everything I went through life... that is to stop resisting and just feel whatever you feel at the moment and eventually move on. Think of something or do something that reminds you of being happy...

#3 Don't assume everyone understands what you are going through. Sometimes when I feel frustrated I used to project my feelings to other people... in that case my husband. LOL! but then I realized it is not fair. I have to understand that my family, friends and colleagues have issues and it is something that they too have to deal with. That is why when my mood started shifting and is turning me into a Gollum, I would keep myself from saying words that would instead hurt them. I develop a self talk technique and again remind myself that it is not about them.

#4 Talk about it - It is also very helpful to talk to someone about it. Tell a trusted friend about what you are going through or talk to a counselor or a psychologist who are trained to help you go through the issues you are dealing with. There is nothing wrong with seeking help specially for someone like me who has to go through menopause at such a very young age ;) some women go through it with no problems at all... I have to deal with some hiccups and it's okay ;)

#5 Write about it. Yes, I am a blogger but there are things I choose to keep private. And literally writing about how you feel and what happens in your life is kind of a therapy. Express yourself, ink it out. Since I started to learn how to write, I have always keep a journal beside me to write down my thoughts and reflect on my life before I go to bed. And somehow facebook, twitter, and blogging didn't change that. Hence my addiction to notebooks and pens. I learned that some thoughts are meant to be written privately rather than shouting it out on my time line. The point is... write where you know you can be yourself where you know you can never be judged.

So, there are times that you feel a little down, anxious, "not being yourself",  or sad... and it is okay to feel that way. Life is a salad of emotions, savor it because it is what makes us who we are. But if those emotions are too overwhelming... don't be afraid to tell someone about it. Talk to a family you can trust, your bestfriend or make an appointment with your favorite counselor or a psychologist. Because one thing for sure, it feel good to know that someone out there understands. And it feels great to be heard.